Shadow Work
Janet found herself stuck living out the same patterns in her relationships. She kept feeling taken for granted by those closest to her no matter what she did. She grew to resent them and even pleaded some to change. However, those changes were short lived. Alice would ask herself if it was even worth all the effort. The thought of having to expend more time and emotional energy negotiating with others to get the basic treatment she wanted seemed daunting to her if not impossible. She was ready to do what it took to create real change in her life.
Shadow work refers to the time, energy and emotional labor spent focused on our own behavior rather than others’ as it pertains to dysfunctional relational patterns. It refers to addressing the deep seated and often unconscious elements that drive repetitive and self-destructive patterns in our lives. Various aspects of shadow work include healing and updating defeating beliefs about us and others, developing a secure attachment style, processing unresolved grief, and developing skills of relating to others with authenticity. It also includes healing the nervous system from traumatic events and integrating aspects of ourselves we have deemed unworthy of love – our shadow.
The following are 3 steps to get you started on your shadow work journey:
1. Identifying behavioral patterns that no longer serve you – When Janet found herself in yet another 2-year long relationship that lead nowhere with the same type of guy who didn’t value her she decided it was time to start taking an honest look at herself. Identifying a pattern will indicate to you what personal behaviors to focus on. For Janet, some questions she faced in therapy were, “What is it about these partners that attracts you in the first place? How do you decide to enter a committed relationship with them? How do you behave in the relationship?” Looking at our own role can be difficult to do when our mind is accustomed to focusing on the behavior in the other. Blame is a coping tool we use to not have to feel our own shame and grief. Only by keeping the spotlight on ourselves can we take the next step of identifying what it is we need.
2. Acknowledge what it is you need – Janet learned she was craving attention from unavailable men because of early childhood trauma. The attention and care she didn’t receive early in life caused Janet to develop behaviors to cope with her own pain. Having felt emotional neglect early on meant working to earn love was normal for her. Coping behaviors can become so normalized within us that they become a part of our personality and can go undetected. Working to earn love to cope with a lack of attention and care turned Janet into an over-achiever and people-pleaser. As Janet identified her needs, she started to feel immense grief and she knew it was time for her to take the next step.
3. Find appropriate resources – We are wounded in relationship and we heal in relationship. With greater self-awareness comes greater clarity about what each person we relate to brings to the table. We can start to see them for what they truly are rather than for what we have needed them to be. Alice started wondering if the people she had in her life were giving her the attention and care she really needed. Rather than asking them to change, she started to address her own expectations and adjust. While working with her therapist she started to notice that her best friend was not necessarily a good resource for empathy when she needed to express her grief. She also noticed her parents were not a good resource for emotional support when she was going through something challenging. Her therapist asked her, “If they aren’t a resource for that, then who or what is?” Janet started taking responsibility for finding resources in relationships, activities, a higher power, and herself to respond to her needs. She started to find the right kind of resources rather than giving away that responsibility to other people, especially those who were not willing or did not have the capacity to really be there for her.
Taking responsibility for our part in unsupportive relationships can be triggering for those who have experienced emotional, physical, sexual, or financial abuse. Yet, whatever is being triggered, whether grief or anger, is where our shadow lies. Facing and working through our shadow renders the highest yield of personal growth and transformation. Janet had a difficult time acknowledging that she brought some harsh judgments into the relationship with her parents. She started to see how her judgments got in the way of relating to them. Working on her own resentment, blame and judgments, her shadow, meant processing all the unresolved grief she associated with her childhood and the role her parents played in it. On the other side of this journey was the possibility to learn who her parents really were and to accept them as they are and to be freed of the resentment, as her unmet needs from childhood had become fulfilled from available and competent resources in her present life.
Shadow work is difficult and takes time. Most of all, it requires a lot of support and resources to heal the experiences that created our shadow in the first place. If you are ready to stop repeating old patterns, live with greater freedom and authenticity and build the type of relationships that nourish your purpose, doing shadow work is your next courageous step.