How to Change an Impossible Situation
When a difficult situation in life keeps presenting itself, communicating about what we’d like to see change with those involved can sometimes result in lasting positive change. However, it is more common that our frustrations with others’ behaviors are met with resistance. This can leave us feeling unheard and in the worse cases powerless over our lives. Instead of trying to change those around us, changing a situation in our lives begins by changing an aspect of our own behavior.
I often hear, “I am trying to do things differently, but I feel guilty every time, so I end up reverting back to the old behavior”. The truth is - aspects of your identity are wrapped up in the old behavior. To truly change, we must change how we perceive ourselves - our sense of identity. This requires deeper inquiry into our core values and the way we see the world. Here is an example of this process using people-pleasing behavior:
1. Start by identifying your judgements around the behavior. If you’re trying to stop people pleasing, how do you judge others who put themselves first? What are your judgements around people who put others first? Maybe, you believe its virtuous to always put yourself last and if you changed that you’d judge yourself as selfish or narcissistic. Understand these judgments are based on false beliefs and be willing to let them go.
2. Identify aspects you love about the new behavior you are trying to adopt. What do you love about people who put themselves first? Create a new belief around this such as, “Putting yourself first is a principle that promotes self-worth, healthy relationships and combats codependency and abuse.” Now there is a value I can get behind! Redefine what it means to put yourself first by associating it with new positive values.
3. Feel into what it must be like to BE that person who puts themselves first. How do they dress, what do they say, what kind of lifestyle do they have; how do they feel about putting themselves first and what does this say about them? As you become attracted to the life that putting yourself first brings, you are transforming your identity. Your judgements of yourself and others start to strip away as you take on this new identity which then causes you to start showing up differently in the world. As you show up differently, people start responding to you differently thus change occurs. Welcome to your new life!
This process can be difficult because it brings up traumatic memories connected to the limiting judgements we used to hold. Judgements keep us safe, so to let go of them means we are vulnerable to perceived danger. For example, “If I stop people-pleasing, I will be socially abandoned and judged. Others will think I’m a bad person and I won’t be loved.” Talking with a therapist can help you process those traumas as you discover a more authentic and self-aware version of yourself.